The Daily Letta Might not always be day to day but it is always going to be my life.

Here I am, the night before the big 2 day GED write. 

I’m not nervous, even though I HATE writing tests. I’ve written so much stuff lately that I’m just looking at it as one more thing.

I am anxious.

Not for myself though. My son and bestie are writing with me, and I am anxious for the both of them and hope they do well. 

After this step is done my future; all our futures, can really get on the fast track. It’s so exciting!

Going to get some final studying in tonight, double check that everything is ready; pens, pencils, erasers, etc. 

Wish us luck that we will soon be a family of high school grads!

Wow it has been a busy time for me! My last blog was almost 2 months ago, not because I forgot, but because I have been so busy I have barely had time to sit down and focus on one thing. It’s gotten so bad, I am now multi-tasking on 2 computers at the same time.

Let’s see, after the Man-Child’s birthday he got himself a girlfriend. Not long after that there was a pregnancy. That took a week to get used to for me. I didn’t handle it well at first, I have to be honest. I may call him the Man-Child but let’s face facts, he doesn’t live up to that name just yet. So after a week of coming to terms with becoming a grandmother, and having some really deep heart to heart talks with both of them, and deciding I would like to be known as Nana.. they had a miscarriage. It was rough. It stung. I had just gotten used to the whole idea. But I know that everything happens for a reason so I stayed positive. I’ve tried to help them stay positive too. Hopefully some of my advice got through to them as well.

There has also been a lot going on with my bestie and his life that I’ve been helping him with. Paperwork and whatnot. I’ve been teaching him about computer use so he can do all of his stuff on his own. That’s been fun actually. He’s a fast learner. Recently I bought him an acoustic guitar. He even signed up for a class to learn to play it. He has a book and he’s been learning some chords. He dedicates a bit of time everyday to sit and strum away. Sometimes it even sounds like music. ;)

Now for me. I have been attempting to grow my hair out to a longer length. Well after a couple months I have decided this is not going to work. I can’t stand it. It’s in my face, I can’t do a darn thing with it and honestly, the longer it is the more I notice the grey, even when it’s coloured. I will be getting a haircut this weekend. I’ve also been considering new glasses, I’ve had these ones for a while now and I think it’s high time I make a change. So sometime this month, new glasses will be bought.

On the studying front; all GED applications have been submitted. Next writing is the first week of May. A family of graduates will be coming soon to a blog near you! Ok not all of them will be blogging, just me, but I’ll announce how we all did! My current online class is a Justice course from Harvard University on Ethical Reasoning. I am learning a lot about myself during this class. For example, I have some pretty strong opinions on what I think is morally right and wrong and it’s going to take some pretty strong arguments to sway my opinions.

On the personal front; I have worked hard on a daily basis to keep my positive attitude, with the exception of the first couple days after being told about the above mentioned pregnancy. I’m forcing myself to turn away from unhealthy things. I’m devoting more time to what makes me happy and healthy and a LOT less time at worrying, fretting, feeling sad and upset. I’m doing things for me that make ME happy and if it upsets someone, they no longer get to be part of my journey. I have found I no longer have time for people who don’t “get” who I am now and who I am becoming. And the best thing is, I don’t care anymore how they feel about my rejection of them. 

I have also started scheduling my life. Now I know, some of you are asking why on earth would I want to put my life on a schedule! Well I’ve not had my life on track enough to be on a schedule in more than a decade. This is a great step for me. I have NEED for a schedule. When I bought my new agenda I actually thought, “I’m going to use this, every day!” And I have! I’m not to the point yet where I have time for bed and time to get up everyday, I still leave that to chance. Though I am now trying to get more sleep so maybe an earlier time to crawl into bed may be in order. And the best part now in my life is that I actually have events and things I go to that I need to schedule around. Not like in an old agenda I came across that I had filled with when certain tv shows were on. I’m so glad I’m not that person anymore. 

I mentioned that I am now multi-tasking on 2 computers at the same time now. Well here’s a little plug. Thanks to my wonderful sister Tab and her recommendation, I bought a Nexus 7 Tablet. It has become my new favourite thing in the world. And though I -could- use it as an agenda, I’m still a stickler for pen and paper so my agenda is a book from Mead that supported breast cancer in the sale. 

I’ve been doing some thinking lately on old sayings I heard while growing up around my grandmother and I know back then I thought they were some of the craziest things I’d ever heard but now that I’m older and wiser they are starting to make an awful lot of sense.

“It is not the length of life, but the depth of life.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

“If life were predictable it would cease to be life, and be without flavour.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

I wake up every day and I do actually say to myself, “This is going to be a great day. I will discover something new. I will learn something today.” And so far, life hasn’t let me down in any of those areas. I have great days, I discover new things, and I learn something every day. I don’t sit back and wait for these things to happen either. I actively go after them. I’m not willing anymore to sit back and wait for life to pass, I’m going to make each day mine and I’m going to enjoy it to the fullest. We may all get the same reward at the end but I’m going to make darn sure that every day until I get there is filled with fun and excitement.

What did you do to make your life fun today?

I know I haven’t made a post here in a while, it’s not that I haven’t wanted to, it’s that I have been so busy that by the time this time of night (330am) rolls around and my day is finished, I am too tired to see the screen properly. I am currently exhausted, just throwing this note here now to let you wonderful folks know that there will be more to come and very soon! Thanks for staying with me, even during the quiet times. You folks rock!

For my one and only Man Child. No matter what, even if you don’t hear it often, and especially during times you don’t seem to feel it… I love you with all my heart and soul, forever and always.

February 11, 1994 at 9:20 am, after 73 hours of labour, my stubborn little bundle took his first breath. It’s true you know, you never forget the day you became a mother. 8 pounds 11 ounces then, 145 pounds now; 23 inches long then,  5 feet 11 inches now. They really don’t stay babies forever.

It’s not been all peaches and cream, these last 19 years. We’ve had a lot of trials and tribulations, taught each other a lot, and had more fights than a few wrestlers. There have been times when I wanted nothing more than for him to just go away, and I know there’s been many times he wanted me to do the same. 

Today, as he becomes an official Man Child, I’m filled with a whole bevy of emotions. Glad that the hard stuff is over, sad that he’s no longer a baby. Happy that soon he’ll be embarking on his life out of my house. ;) Sad that he hasn’t made as much of his life as I would have hoped by now. But all in all, I have hope that he will one day become the man I know he can be. 

There have been many times over the years that I have waited, prayed, longed for this day. The day when he is finally an adult and my job is done. The day when I know soon he’ll be out of my house, out of my hair, and I can finally get back to being something other than Mom. That doesn’t mean I dislike being Mom, just that after everything we’ve been through, a break would be nice.

He’s a Man Child with rather simple needs. He has no interest in going out to the bars and getting drunk, he’s got pretty much everything he needs/wants so didn’t ask for gifts, he doesn’t even want a cake. I am making a very special dinner for him tonight, to share with the family. 

He is my only child. By choice. Once upon a time I thought I’d like to try for another but this one has been more than a handful and I’m glad I never had another. Especially when he was diagnosed with A.D.H.D, he needed all the attention I could spare. 

So now today, 19 years after he took his first breath, he bounded down the stairs in his jeans and dress shirt, curly beard and mustache, shaggy hair looking a lot more man than child. And as I smiled and wished him a Happy Birthday, I had to fight back a tear. He’s an adult now, my job is done, he’s all grown up. 

This blog was difficult to write, it’s a very emotional day for me, which shocks me as I didn’t think it would be. I’ve had to keep stopping because I get teary-eyed and can’t see.

Happy Birthday Son, I hope today makes you happy and I hope you feel all sorts of love!

I dedicate this blog post to my son Dylan LaFrance (AKA The Boy). Without the struggles I’ve been through with him over the last almost 19 years, I doubt I’d have the strength to face the new ones now with such fierce determination. I may have taught you a lot in your lifetime but you’ve taught me some things too.

While spending a few minutes slinking around Facebook tonight I read this story and it really sunk in. I can relate to it completely. Over the years I have been the carrots, the eggs, and lately, I’m becoming the coffee. 

Grandmother Says…
Carrots, Eggs, or Coffee; “Which are you?” 

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, “Tell me what do you see?”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft.She then asked her to take an egg and break it.

After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked. “What’s the point,grandmother?”

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity—boiling water—but each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter.

“When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?”

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?

Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

I’ve been working hard at changing the situation around me. Sure it’s a struggle but without struggle you simply breathe and die. I want to be able to look back on my life when my time comes to leave and say, “I did something I’m proud of, I struggled and I won.” 

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.” ― Oscar Wilde

I was asked tonight by a family member what I was studying. After telling her she said, ”You always were a smart cookie”. I thought to myself, “Wow, apparently people always thought I had it all together and I always thought it was always falling apart”. Hindsight huh?

I think that’s enough of my late night ramblings for now. I’m feeling really tired and I think I hear my bed calling me name seductively. Have to get some good rest for a big day of studying tomorrow, almost final exam time in this course and I have some bad marks to make up for. 

Dedicated to the poor Spider Plant.

I was smiling until I looked out the back door and saw snow falling, again. It was just starting to go away. Oh well, it’s Canada, it’s winter, what exactly did I expect would happen? SMILE

I realized this morning I have managed to kill a spider plant. This actually upset me a little. I never used to get houseplants to grow, they don’t like the indoor temperatures I do. Cold in summer and slightly warm in the winter. I self insulate so heat and I don’t work well together. This spider plant was massive at one point. It started as a small sprig picked up off the floor and shoved into a Chia Pet foam. It had babies all over the place, I don’t even remember how many secondary plants I started from it. I have another one in the kitchen over the sink, but the living room one is all but gone. Maybe it was over watering, maybe it was too much light, the internet has a plethora of things I may have done wrong. Whichever one it was, I shall bid it adieu and bag it up for garbage pick up. 

Now I know what’s being said, what the heck does this have to do with this life changing blog? Well it’s me showing that not everything in my life is gong perfectly right now. I’ve lost one of my darling cat babies and now a house plant. Mind you the house plant didn’t cause the devastation losing a fur baby did, but it’s still a lose and negativity. But I’m not letting it get to me, not any of it. Yes I miss Abby still, looking at her pictures still brings tears to my eyes, but I smile knowing that she isn’t hurting anymore now. Sure I’ll miss the huge spider plant, it looked awesome hanging from the ceiling in the living room, and when I saw it I always felt proud knowing I grew it. But I’m still smiling, I’ll grow another.

Just like when we fall on our life path and it makes us inevitably think am I doing the right thing? We as a species need to re-evaluate things. It’s how we grow. I re-evaluate all the time. I failed a test 2 days ago. I sat in a funk, sulking, and asking myself if this was really worth all this trouble. Obviously I was failing in my understanding as I failed a test. I started to re-evaluate and ask myself if this was worth it. That’s when that little voice inside me started screaming and stamping her foot and threatening to bonk me over the head. She was mad. Mad at me for coming so far and letting one little failure make me think I should quit.

*And for anyone who’s seen me lose my temper, you can imagine what seeing my inner self lose her temper looked like*

I switched gears then. Instead of thinking, ‘Maybe I should quit since I can’t get it’, I started thinking, ‘Look at everything I’ve done so far, is this really worth throwing all that away?’. Short answer, HELL NO! So I failed a test, big deal. I have the chance to do better on the next one and study harder and get a better final mark and still pass this course. Inner self appeased and once again sitting comfortably and not screaming and stamping her feet.

Speaking of these courses. While chatting with Tab the other night, we realized we are both starting a new course on the same day. Not the same course, we are in different fields of study obviously, but it made me go back through my list and look at what I have chosen for myself. Now of course, when you are presented with the opportunity to take a multitude of courses you chose everything that looks fun! I did! Then I went back through with a more critical eye and made sure I had also chosen everything that pertained to my future career. Check! So then I looked at my course load and thought, there are not enough hours in a day for these! Thus came the critical eye again. Yes, Astrobiology and the Search for Extraterrestrial Life is exciting and sounds fun, but that would be more of a hobby and while interesting, let’s get the other things out of the way first, I can always take it again later if I want. Introduction to Philosophy is more on the right track for what I need to learn. A couple others, though fun and exciting to learn about, also went to the ‘maybe later’ pile. There is absolutely no need to completely bog myself down with a course load I can’t handle, I don’t want to actually set myself up to fail. 16 courses over the next year is doable, 26 was not. ;)

Now with that being said.. I have to get some paper and get another binder ready!

Still smiling!

I dedicate this blog to my beloved Abby. Rest is peace sweet kitten.

And we’re back!
Well I took some time off for Christmas and New Year’s. Then had the most horrible time as we had to say goodbye to one of our beloved cats. She passed away on the 28th, a day that until now has been a celebratory day. December 28 is my mother’s birthday as well as the anniversary of the day my BFF and I quit smoking. 9 years this year. And now it will have an air of sadness to it.

Now we’re back in it right to our necks. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I did make a resolution this year, one that I know I can follow. I will smile more, love more, and laugh more. How easy is that? So far life has tested me, but I’ve persevered. My darling son got on my nerves, I handled it with a smile. BFF lost his job. Took a breathe, helped him figure out a plan, let him vent a little, then smiled and laughed with him when he made one phone call and got a new job starting the day after the old one ended. Then today I was told the living room set I have been waiting on for the last 2 months is not coming at all. I didn’t get down though. I simply stated I was not leaving without something to put in my living room and voila. Satisfaction. New living room set will be delivered Thursday, first payment already made. Yahoo!

I did get the best compliment ever during all this though. My sister Tab, while I was telling her about the BFF’s job loss, told me she was proud of me and how I was handling things. She said that if the same situation had happened a year ago I would have been a complete mess, worrying about what he would do and how he would survive. Instead I let him take control of his own problem, gave him some advice, and stepped back. And it felt great! I don’t have to fix every one else’s problems!

Looking forward to my meeting on Thursday to discuss my future and see what I can do to get more things happening. Funding would be great at this point and who knows, maybe after Thursday it’ll be a reality, or even closer than it is now! Took one of those career assessment things to see if I’m really on the right track. All signs say yes, I am suited for a career in law, government, computers, or technology. Looks like what I want for my future and what I’m suited for are all meshing together!

So tonight it’s study study study, work work work, get the wheels rolling forward! After all, I AM Superwoman!

It’s the holiday season so I took some time off from studying to be with my family and friends. 

I’ve not had a great deal of Christmas cheer this year, which is very unusual for me. I’m always the one with enough Christmas spirit to silence a dozen Scrooge’s. This year I didn’t even want to decorate. It’s been a long year filled with ups and downs.

I am thrilled to see where my life is going now. That’s not the issue. This Christmas it seemed like all the other little things piled up and collapsed on me and pulled my happy away for a while. I had lots of family and friends around me and that helped lift the slump for a short time but really, I think my mind just wanted some down time. I wasn’t sad, just not excited. Christmas came and went and it didn’t do much for me.

I decorated the house as usual, snowmen and snowflakes everywhere. We did have an accident this year and 2 snowmen lost their lives. It was very sad, but as they were newer additions, it didn’t affect me as badly as it would have had they been part of the old gang. After the funeral I gathered the old gang and packed them away. I wasn’t taking any more chances. In 19 years I’ve never lost a snowman and this year I lost 2. I left the other decorations up, tree, wreath, and the snow ladies. 

Today, Boxing Day, the whole she-bang except the wreath outside has gone back into the boxes and been stored away for another year. Christmas is officially over in this household. We still haven’t received our family gift. I don’t know when it’ll arrive. That bums me out, a lot. We ordered a couch for the living room over a month ago. We were told it was discontinued after waiting 2 weeks so we ordered a gorgeous sectional sofa instead. That was a month ago. We were told last week it might be another week maybe 2 before it even arrives. At this point I’m almost convinced it’s not meant to be. But I’ll try to stay positive about it.

I’ve got a couple more days of vacation before it’s back to the grind for a couple days then off again for 2 days for the New Year’s celebrations. Got some catching up to do before the new year so this weekend will be a busy one for me. I’m looking forward to it, the course I’m taking right now is really interesting and fun and I’m doing surprisingly well in it.

I guess all in all, even with these few pot holes in the road, I’m staying positive, or at least as positive as I can right now. In 2 days I celebrate 9 years being smoke free with my best friend. Quite an accomplishment. The New Year will be a great one because I’m going to make it great. I have some plans in the works so we’ll see what happens.

Time for some sleep, tomorrow is a new day, and I have a house to put back together.

This blog post is dedicated to my Momsie because when I laid out my plan to her, she didn’t have one negative thing to say about it, she encouraged me greatly, and told me how very proud of me she was. I love my Momsie!

Now I have to get down to the nitty gritty. I haven’t been in school or a schooling environment since 1996. For those also in this situation, that’s 16 years. *giggle* So to say I was a little overwhelmed by the thought of sitting down and learning again, that’s a bit of an understatement. I’m a smart girl, don’t get me wrong, but I hated school passionately. It didn’t motivate me. I was bored, a lot. So now here I am facing it again. Wow. Maybe this means I am grown up!

First of all, there’s the GED. Oddly enough, you can’t get far in life without at least something that says you successfully completed high school. No way you’re getting a career without it. If you’re happy with a job making minimum wage and never going anywhere in life, who needs it. I am not going to settle for a job though. I want a career. And yes, there is a big difference between the two.

A job is just that. You work, you make a little money, the government takes a chunk, you get paid, you wait til the next payday. I’ve had jobs. Jobs aren’t so great for the things in life you want as an adult. Saving accounts with more than $5 in them. Trips and vacations to places you’ve never been. A home. A nice vehicle. A retirement fund. 

Now a career, that’s something different. That’s why you go to school and learn and get those pieces of paper that say you did it. You work, you make a decent salary, the government takes their share and you’re left with enough to make it to the next payday and then some. And you can afford those things in life you wanted. And when you retire, you don’t have to just sit and wait to die because there’s nothing else you can afford to do. 

So I learn because I want the career. And no I’m not sitting around waiting while I’m studying to get that first piece of paper. That would defeat the purpose of trying to get ahead in life. I’m learning every single day. Thanks to my sister Tab I’m taking classes online to better myself and getting the pieces of paper that say I did it. And you know what? I’m having an absolute blast learning new things! I’m meeting new people each and every day. I’m learning things that had you asked me 5 years ago if I wanted to know anything about them, I would have laughed at you. What would I want to know anything about that for? 

I’m also working every day to get the funding I need to get the rest of the schooling I need. Why isn’t all schooling free? I don’t understand this at all. The government has no problem paying the salaries of teachers who teach small children to be adults. But when it comes down to paying for those adults to get the education they need to have a career and make better money, so the government can take more taxes, they turn a deaf ear and a blind eye. Seems like the most backward way of doing things I have ever seen. But that’s a whole different blog post. I got a letter in the mail today and have a meeting on the 10th of January that should *crosses fingers* bring me one step closer to enrolling in school next year!

In the meantime I’m going to keep on with my GED studies. I’m studying with my son and my best friend, we’ll all be high school graduates together! Yay us! And I’ll keep up with the online classes. The professor in this course is a riot and I look forward to his lectures on a daily basis. Learning really is FUN!

I dedicate this blog post to my best friend Mike. Without whom I would still be struggling through a lot of things trying to bog me down.

I always pictured my path as a lovely cobblestone affair. Intricate pattern that catches the eye. White stone spaces on either side. Thick manicured grass for the times you fall off. Not so in reality. It’s more like a barely noticeable, bramble filled, dark shadowed, spooky path through the woods you were scared of as a kid. And there’s no thick grass to cushion you when you stumble into the ditch. The ditch is filled with brackish fetid water and things that are sharp and poke you and all kinds of things that want to hold you right where you are.

I know this, I’ve already fallen, three times. The first time was a stumble, tripped and fell right in, didn’t take long and I was back out though. Second time I sort of threw myself in headfirst. Didn’t want to get out that time. I let the darkness claim me for a couple weeks. The self doubt, negative thoughts and feelings, outer stress, sheer laziness. Those things dug their claws in and I let them. I knew fighting them would mean they’d drag me down further so why fight it. The third time was more of an accident. I fell asleep and stumbled. I didn’t make it all the way into the depths that time, just landed hard on the side and got right back up. I find it easier now to get back up. 

I mentioned the dark side of the path. That’s where all the negative things lie in wait for you. Doubt, self-recrimination, all those negative emotions that make you think you can’t do this, you shouldn’t be bothering, you’ll never make it, you don’t deserve this. I’ve struggled with these things for a very long time. Self esteem was not one of my strong suits. Notice I said “was not”. 

My path is being filled with cobblestones, pristine white stones, manicured grass… with every step I take forward another piece falls into place. No they are not always straight, some of them have to be readjusted as I go, but the outcome will be something I will be proud to look back on. That sharp rock that grated and cut through me, that one that used to be the very low self-esteem, that is becoming a perfectly smooth cobblestone. It will have to be worked on still but it’s getting better and better each passing day. 

It takes a lot to do this, you have to WANT it, and not just a “yeah sure ok”. No. WANT it. You have to be willing to take the good with the bad. Take the stumbles and get back up and keep going. There is no going back. It takes strength. A lot of it. And not just your strength. You need a strong backing force of friends and family who support you and want you to succeed. I have that in spades. I have family who are strong by themselves and together and support me every step of the way. I have friends who stand by me through thick and thin and give me every bit of strength they can spare. And I have a best friend and life partner who has picked me up and stood me back on my feet and kicked my butt forward on more than one occasion and is always right there with me willing to do it again and again.

Everyday when I open my eyes I want to get out of bed. I want to get my day going. I want to continue down my path. I take the good with the bad and I don’t let the bad overwhelm me. There are days when I look forward and I see lots and lots of darkness on the path ahead but no matter how horrible it may look, there is always a beam of bright light and that’s what I work towards. 

If you start your own path I encourage you to keep striving for that beam of light, no matter how dim it may appear, it’s there. And remember, your path doesn’t just lead to a single goal, it leads to a whole new you. The best you you can be. Good luck!

I’m dedicating this blog post to my sister Tab. You got me started on this path and I can’t thank you enough.

Way back at the beginning of the year I had a long conversation with my sister Tab. I was unhappy with, well, everything. My life, my home, where I live, all of it. She let me vent it all out, was very patient with me and my ranting and raving; then said some very important words to me… What has to happen to make you happy? 8 small words that carried the heaviest weight imaginable. It made me think. The obvious came to mind, I needed to get out of where I was. She made me list out what I needed to make me happy and then she laid down another heavyweight… What do you have to do to make those things happen? Hmm, win the lottery! I laughed, she didn’t. She wanted me to be realistic. The short and simple answer was I needed money. How do I get it? Winning the lottery was out, as was finding a rich man, and anything illegal. OK so I had to earn it. To earn it I needed a career, not a job, I wouldn’t get anywhere fast with a job, I needed something that I could count on for as long as I needed to get everything I wanted out of life. 

So the thought process began there. 20 years ago I put my whole life on hold to raise a family. Sure during that time I have learned a lot about computers and can do a lot more things now than I could 20 years ago, but there’s nothing in my life to start a career with. First things first though, I had to ask myself not what I want to be when I grow up, but instead, now that I’m grown up, what do I want to be? That’s not an easy question to find an answer to. And if you’re not prepared to find out things about yourself you’d thought forgotten, you probably shouldn’t bother starting that path. It takes a lot of deep thinking and soul searching to make this decision. It’s not something to be taken lightly.

My life has been in a holding pattern for 20 years. That’s a long time to basically fly around in circles, in a rut, a routine. And when you wake up and decide you don’t want to be there anymore, there is a door that opens and all the things that you put aside for 20 years have a tendency to want to fall out. The decision to put everything on hold for 20 years was mine and mine alone so I had no one to blame but myself for the huge ball of emotion I was feeling. I had a lot of anger and resentment at myself for putting everything on hold. I had to deal with a lot of regret, why hadn’t I done something, anything, over all those years. Working mothers are everywhere after all. I put all of that aside and really thought about the answer to my question. 

Of course you don’t just stop when you decide what you want to do. You have a long way to go after that. What do you have to do to get there? Well in my case, 2 things; find funding, go back to school. Going back to school is the easier of the 2. Finding funding, well I’m still working on that one. Once I have it I can really jump in with both feet.

In the meantime, I’ve learned some things about myself. There are, or rather, were, a lot of negative things in my life that needed to be removed. Negative and non-supportive “friends” went first. And I made the decision to not just blurt out to everyone I knew what I was doing. I told the people closest to me. The ones who still don’t know, don’t take offense, this is MY life after all and if I chose to keep things quiet, it is my choice. It is not an affront to you and you have no right to be offended by my decisions as they do not affect you in any way.

Yes I do know I haven’t said what I have decided to become. That’s not for this entry. If you let out all your secrets in one entry why would people keep coming back? Keep following my blog and all the answers will be revealed! ;)

The cookbook is on hold. Not forever, just for now. My life has taken a whole new direction and the cookbook has been put on hold until such a time when I have time to open it up again. This is not to say I have stopped cooking. I will never stop cooking and creating. 

That being said, this blog will also be moving in a new direction. I will begin using it to document my new life journey. As you can see I have already changed the format. It’s more bright and lively as that is the way my life is now thanks to the changes I have made and am continuing to make. 

So stay tuned for the new blog posts which will start very very soon!